Thursday 28 February 2013

The beer factor


Early eighties up until late nineties I would to go the video club almost every weekend and rent movies (yes, good old analogue VHS). 



I would rent three on Friday nights and three more Saturday nights. If you do the math that`s six every weekends multiplied by fifty two weeks, that`s a grand total of 312 movies per year. I`ve seen tons of films, good ones, crappy ones, B movies and a lot of Z movies. On a Friday night, I`d to Novatech audio \ visual videoclub (1264 Jean-Talon east) and scope up movies. 


I`m a creature of habit. I love (in no particular order) science-fiction, animation, horror, gore, post- apocalyptic, B & Z movies. I would usually rent the following:
1- post-apocalyptic Mad Max and whatnot..
2- some type of horror.
3- some sci-fi or animation, it depends.
In order not to rent the same movie twice,  I would have this little notebook where I`d write the name of the movie with a small quotation. I would quote them something like this:
1- a worthless piece of shit.  
2- almost bearable.  
3- average. 
4- not bad.  
5- good.    
6- I want to purchase this one.
I would spend about thirty to sixty minutes at Novatech. That`s how long it took me checking me little notebook and actually renting said item. Next stop the dépanneur. I would buy two or three 1.5 liter big beers (Budweiser, 



St-Ides, 



Labatt Bleu Dry, 



Wildcat maybe). 


During those years, there was no microbrewery beers in Montréal (except Le Cheval Blanc brasserie). 





I`d purchase the cheap ones because at the time I didn`t know better, which is kinda unfortunate (it`s a good thing my liver can`t speak). Then back to my place for beers and movies. I`d light up a smoke (I stopped smoking circa February 21st, 1996), open a big one, lay on my nice black leather lazyboy, and away we go baby. I did that ritual almost every weekends. I  think I stopped around 1998. That was the year I was introduced to Windows and the internet. I had a computer around maybe 1982. It was a COCO 2 (color computer 2 by Tandy). 



It had 64 k of memory (later on I upgraded it to 128 k). My digital watch has more memory than that old piece of computer history. I bought the COCO 2 just to play videogames. And I sure did. The videogames came in three different formats:
1- 5.25 inch floppy disks.


2- rompac (the ancestor of the eight bit Nintendo cartridge)



3- cassettes. Yes you heard me right good old analog tapes. It took about ten to fifteen minutes to load a videogame, if it worked.


At the time I was a student working almost every weekends. I didn`t have any money to buy videogames. Lucky me, the uncle of  a coworker of my dad had tons of games. I would go to his place, and give him a bunch of blank diskettes. I`d go back there the following week to receive my diskettes full of cool games. I though it was odd that he never asked me for money. After all he was doing some type of work (even if it was just copying diskettes). A couple of weeks later my question was answered. I was in his home looking at some games when he started pinching my ass. Maybe we should go in the other room and play a different game he said. What do you mean ?
If you suck my dick I will give you more games.
Hey, I`m not like that I`m not interested.
If you try it you might like it.    
I don`t want to try it.
Listen boy, every man has a gay side you just have to discover it.
Well not me.
You sure ?
Yes I`m sure. I`m leaving.
I split and never came back. I don`t know if it was sheer coincidence but I stopped playing videogames temporarily. The old COCO2 started collecting dust in the basement. 
                                         There was a flood in Montréal, in July 1986. We had four and a half feet of sewer water in our basement. We lost a lot of things at the time: pool table, COCO2, thirty per cent of my underground comix collection and some furniture.
                                         I didn`t buy another computer. After all you could use computers to play games only, I naively though. A couple of years later, I discovered I was totally wrong indeed.
                                         Let`s go fast forward in time, circa summer 1998. The administration decided to save some money and downsize a couple of position. They cut a lot of jobs, including my position at the loading dock (worked there more than four years, but who cares, eh). Everybody was bumping each other (good thing we have a union, I though) and I ended up doing patrol evening shift. I love working evening but I hate doing patrol. What can you do, the bills keep pilling up, unfortunately you have to work. Anyways, one of my supervisors offers me the replace a couple of coworkers for their summer vacation. I accept right away. Damn I`m going back day shift Monday to Friday whilst on the evening shift I have a weekend out of three. The first places I go, is for a three weeks replacement at the reception of… (I work in a governmental building, let`s just skip that part). I meet Ann, the departments supervisor. I`ll never the following conversation:  
Me: what would you like me to do ?
Ann: as a receptionist, you have to be polite, patient, even with the rude and sometimes aggressive customers. You get that ?
Me: I understand. So basically, I answer the phone, give impeccable customer service and welcome incoming customers right ?
Ann: not just the phone you go on the internet and send emails.
Me: intern- what ?
Ann: the internet. You surf you know ?
Me: I have a skateboard.
Ann: no I mean you use Windows internet explorer and outlook express for emails.
Me: I have absolutely no idea of what you`re talking about.
Ann: you have a computer François ?
Me: I don`t own one.
Ann: you know how to use Windows ?
Me: never hard of it.
Ann: what are you doing here then ?
Me: a vacation replacement. I`m sure that if you give me a training I could probably do the job you know. Just give me a chance (I look at her with my sad blue eyes and no women can resist me).
Ann: ah well I`ll see what I can do. 
               Ann gives me the training. Everything goes well, it`s not as bad as I though . I get there early Monday morning, read my notes and start working right away. After a couple of days I`m feeling more  comfortable with the computer, Windows, outlook express and the internet. I`m starting to really enjoy surfing. There`s a whole universe out there. I can travel the world without ever leaving the reception, cool. This is better than beer I think. Damned, I`m hooked.
                 I buy my second computer the following year (1999). It`s a Pentium 1, 8 GO hard drive, 64 MO of memory, it comes with Windows 95. 


A couple of months later I upgrade to Windows 98. I get a modem internet connection and away we surf.
                 Today, year 2013, I`m writing this on my fourth PC. Let`s see, it all started with:
1-  1982 - a COCO 2 (color computer 2 by Tandy), with 64 k of memory (later on I upgraded it to 128 k).
2-   1999 - a Pentium 1, 8 GO hard drive, 64 MO of memory, it comes with Windows 95 (upgraded with Windows 98).                                                                 
3-  2001 - a Pentium 4, 60 GO hard drive, 1 GO of memory with Windows ME.




4-  2011 – a dual core processor, 500 GO hard drive, 6 GO of memory with  Windows XP. 
                I discovered that aside from playing games, you could use a computer for: surfing the internet, downloading stuff, doing text work, sending \ answering emails, listening to the radio, creating \ recording music, creating \ editing videos, editing pictures, creating your own videogames, podcasting, and especially watching movies \ videos. Here`s a small example, if you go to:
You can watch music video, movies and short movies. I started my old ritual of buying a couple a beers and watching videos. Nowadays we`re blessed in Montréal. We have a good variety of amazing microbrewery beers. Here`s some of my favorite weapons of choice (in no particular number):
Blanche De Chambly (the big bottle only)


U (red, honey, or blonde)






Éphemère (blackcurrant, raspberry, and my favorite one, apple)


L`Alchimiste (bock, ecossaise and doré)


Boréale (blonde, doré, copper, black, IPA, red,  and white)     


                                        As can probably imagine, I`ve watched a lot of stuff from the internet.  These days, I  have a new quotation system for videos. I quote them from one to ten, something like this:
1- awful crap.
2- bad.
3- mediocre.
4- near average.
5- average.
6- above average.
7- good.
8- even better.
9- excellent.
10- a masterpiece.
There`s some movies that go down great with beer, just like watching some stupid ass comedy while eating popcorn or greasy nachos with cheese, damn straight. Hence the beer factor concept. Or, how many beers you need to ingest in order to make a movie bearable.
1 BIG BLANCHE DE CHAMBLY
2 BIG BLANCHE DE CHAMBLY
APPLETON ESTATE (RESERVE) BROWN RHUM
= this movie is so goddam good. It needs to be slowly savored.







SIX PACK OF BOWES DOUBLE DRY
= near \ above \ average (number 4-5-6)



2 SIX PACKS OF BOWES DOUBLE DRY
= the more beer you ingest, the better it looks, and the more sense it makes (now The Waterboy looks like an Oscar contender.


2 SIX PACKS OF BOWES DOUBLE DRY + 2 BIG ASS SUBS
= one of those shitty, horrible, awful movies. It leaves you unsatisfied and hungry (but not for more).



2 SIX PACKS OF BOWES DOUBLE DRY + 2 BIG BLANCHE DE CHAMBLY
= movie starts good but slowly turns into crap. You start off with the 2 big Blanche De Chambly. You finish the 2 six packs to make sure you forget ever, and I mean ever watching such damn crap.



In the near future, I will review some clips, short movies and also full length films. I will include a quotation and will go also into the beer factor territory. Salute!




Sunday 24 February 2013

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 5


Paul at the helm

As I said before
Paul was the only person
Who discovered
My oh so subtle hustling techniques
He was the Barney Gumbles



Of  Brasserie `Chez Margot`
But those tales happened
Late eighties and early nineties
Maybe Matt Groening  visited Montréal



Spent an evening `Chez Margot`
And used good old Paul as a drunken muse
I`d doubt it though
Every bar
Every dive
Around the world
Has their own Barney Gumbles version
It`s part of the human equation
Paul had grayish hair
Thick round metallic glasses
I think he was late fifties, early sixties
He looked like a broker
Businessman
Used car salesman maybe
I`d walk in `Chez Margot `
Around 7.30 PM
I`d see Paul sitting at his usual spot
The first table next to the entrance
I`d say hi and that would be it
I don`t know why
We never talked much
The longest conversation  we had
Was when we where taking a leak
I remember
We used to talk about the new waitress
She had long dark hair
Sexy blue eyes
That were glowing in the dark
With a set of…
Anyways
She looked like a siren from heaven
Or maybe hell
She was really popular with the gents
Easily understandable
A lot of girls were getting jealous of all that  attention
So they started spreading rumors
Saying Julian was a whore
She was sleeping with all the guys
Bullshit I say
I never banged her
I know Julian
And Pierre (the bouncer)
Had a thing together
They would be leaving together
Every night
Holding hands
You don`t have to be a rocket scientist
To figure that one out
A couple of guys
Were jealous of  Pierre
How so fucking human
I never understood jealousy though
What`s the point ?
You`re hurting yourself
With your insecurity
And you`re hurting others
Trying to bring them down with you
So you don`t feel alone
In your own little personal hell
It`s pretty lonely
Being in the dark
But anyways
Back to our story
It was a Friday night
I walked in all alone
Pat had a big ass cold
And Chris
Was busy with his new girlfriend
Lucky him I though
He`s getting some
Lucky me
More beer for me I though
Nobody is playing pool
The place is almost empty
It`s early February
And I`m sitting all alone
Aside from Paul
I don`t know anybody  here
Might as well join him
Hey Paul mind if I have drink with you my man
Sure thing Tom, have a seat
Here have a smoke
Thanks Tom
My pleasure mon ami
Paul you wanna  play a game of pool ?
Paul looks me straight in the eyes and says
Tom I`ve watched you
And I know you
More than you know yourself
You`re gonna ask me to play for a pitcher ?
You`re gonna hustle me for beer ?
Like you do every weekend ?
When you come in here
With your two friends
Paul you got it all wrong
It`s true I play a couple of games
For a couple of beers
But I don`t do it all evening
After all
I came here to drink
With my friends
Not to play pool all night
You know what I mean
Hey, I know
Exactly what you mean
When you`re too drunk to play
You keep telling
The same excuse
Every weekend
Dude, win or lose
This is me last game
I  came here to drink with me mates
Not to play pool all night
Fuck, I`m screwed
He knows my little trick
I don`t know what to say
My face is so damn red
I look him straight in the eyes
Well
Well what Tom ?
What are you gonna do ?
Sweet fuck all
What ?
Hey if those idiots
Are so fucking stupid
They don`t realize what you`re doing
Might as well
Screw them more
After all Tom
YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!
YOU`RE A HUSTLER !!!
Good thing the place is empty
I though
Nobody hears him scream
I`m saved by the bell
The hustler`s bell maybe ?
We started talking about music
Turns out
Paul is a blues fan
I saw Stevie Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble
Live twice
I proudly say
Where ?
The Olympic Stadium
You`re shitting me
No I`m not
There was four bands that evening
He was the opening act
After there was
Peter Tosh
Talking Heads
And The Police
Must have been a good show
Indeed my man indeed
Saw him last year
At the Spectrum
He literally blew the place man
I can imagine that
Wow!!!
Pierre comes and sits down
The place is empty
I`m fucking tired
Last call dudes
But Pierre
It`s only two o`clock
Give us a chance Paul says
Sorry guys
Drink up and I`ll see you tomorrow
Alright
We finish up
And proceed to go outside
It`s cold
And particularly humid
That Pierre what a dick
Not only is he banging Julian
But now he`s kicking us out
I`m gonna go in
Kick his ass
Take it easy Paul
If you kick his ass
We`ll have to find another drinking spot
Besides
The beer`s dirt cheap here
You`re right Tom
I know
Wanna share a cab ?
I parked my car at the corner of the street
Wanna lift Tom ?
Sure thing dude
He opens the car doors
We sit down
Light up some smokes
And away we go
Where do you live Tom ?
St-Michel boulevard
Corner of Villeray street
That`s not too far
Something`s wrong here
My spider sense is tingling
Paul is driving really slow
Hey man
You`re driving kinda slow
Everything alright ?
I have to be careful Tom
I don`t want to lose my job
I`m a pizza delivery guy
What ?
I deliver pizza you fucking douche bag
I got that one
I`m not that stupid you know
I`m sorry man
I should`nt be driving
How come ?
I don`t have a license anymore
And why is that ?
Got too many DUI



If the cops catch me



I`ll end up in jail
For sure
And I`ll probably be
Some inmate`s bitch
`cause I`m so small
And how are you feeling now ?
I ask
Pretty loaded
At what time did you arrive
Chez Margot ?
I got in around ten thirty am
And you never left
I left with you Tom
That`s all
Damn !
And I`m thinking
If we get busted
Paul would probably be
The kind of guy
To tell the cops
That I was the one
Who told him to drive

Even
If he was drunk as a skunk
Gotta get out of here
Gottta find something
Think of a plan
And think fast dude
Hey Paul
I get off next street
That`s not your stop Tom
I know
You see
I know this cute girl
Which lives on this here street
If I make it fast
I could bang her right now
Why fast ?
It`s simple
Her boyfriend works the graveyard shift
I go inside
Do ma thing
And get out before nine am
And I`m still alive
Tom you motherfucker
Not yet
I never met her mom, ah, ah, ah
Well anyways
Thanks a lot for the lift Paul
Anytime
Have a good banging session
Have a good night
I get out
Pretend to go inside
The apartment
Wait until he`s gone
And walk back to my home
It`s a good thing
I came up with that improvised lie
Otherwise
I would still be inside his car
And maybe
I wouldn`t be here
To tell the tale
Of
Paul at the helm.

Saturday 23 February 2013

art is everywhere part 4....

Heres' more flyers i.e. 'artistical' ephemera. The following pieces are actual flyers that I received by old school mail. They're pretty incredible. Check them out and maybe you'd like to contact those fine folks of the underground.They were inside a parcel that Jeremy Bequette (Satan's God) send me.

















Wednesday 20 February 2013

Tales from Tom the drunk hustler part 4


The three-way hustle 

Late eighties and early nineties
I used to hang out every weekend
At `Brasserie Chez Margot`
Another dive
What do you expect ?
You should know me by now
I like dives
The beer` s cheap
There` s no cover charge
There` s a jukebox



Some karaoke maybe
A cover band \ solo musician maybe
Doing top twenty crap
Which sounds better
Around three o` clock in the morning
When everybody` s almost passed out
And the only thing you` re thinking off  
Is finding someone to bring home.
One thing though
There` s always a pool table


And there` s always some type of action going on
Did I mention there` s a pool table ?
Yes sir, indeed
Pat, Chris and myself
Would walk in `Brasserie Chez Margot`
Around 7.30 PM
Just to make sure
We would be sitting at our table
Located in front of the washrooms
Hey when you have to go, you have to go
When nature calls
You have to listen indeed
Sitting in front of the washroom is a lame excuse
The real reason` s simple
Our table is located
Next to the pool table
Now we` re getting somewhere
We` d sit down
Order a beer pitcher
I would look on my right side
Where` s the pool table
And if there` s someone playing
I would write my name on the black board
Tom` s in the house
And he` s playing next baby
Hey Tom it` s your turn man
I` d walk next to the table
I` m Tom and you are ?
Robert, pleased to meet you
Hey Robert
Would you like to play
For a glass of beer ?
A small beer ?
A big beer ?
A pitcher of beer maybe ?
Let` s play for a pitcher Tom
Sure thing
Your break Robert
Bang!!!
He sinks two highs
And two lows
Your choice Robert
The three top left corner
… missed his shot
Then I go
Ten corner pocket
Twelve side pocket
Fifteen cross side
Thirteen cross corner


Nine bottom right corner
I have three balls left
Including the eight
I can` t sink them
It` s too damn difficult
I have to do a safety
I hide the white ball behind the fourteen
Four left side pocket Tom
… he made it
seven top right pocket
he did it
five cross corner
Slam!
It` s gone
Combo two side pocket
Fuck!
Two for the price of one
The two and the three done in a single shot
He also has three balls left
Including the eight
Gotta find a strategy to slow him down
Hey, I got it
Hey Robert look at the blond girl near the bar
Tom you fucking idiot that` s a guy
Sorry dude my eyesight is really bad
He bends over still pissed off
The six top left pocket
Bing!
He misses his shot
Eleven corner
Fourteen side pocket
The eight cross side
Sorry about that man
You where not lucky on your last shot Robert
I know…
Here` s  your pitcher Tom
Thanks man
Better luck next time
A good hustler is always humble
When using this strategy 
You con more fish
There` s tons of fishes out there
There` s  a sucker born every minute
Remember…
The best trick of the devil
Is to make you believe
He doesn` t exist
I put the pitcher on our table
That` s round one
Next
Gerry, you` re  up
Hey, I` m Tom
Pleased to meet you
Yo Gerry wanna play for a pitcher of beer ?
Sure thing dude
I sink a couple of  balls
Then miss the next shot on purpose
It was a safety shot
Damned Gerry I just fucked up
I know Tom
You` re a lucky motherfucker Tom
I don`t have a shot
What a fucking lucky safe
I know my man
And I` m thinking
What an idiot
I did that on purpose, ah, ah, ah…
He misses
I clean the table
I was lucky Gerry
I know Tom
Here` s your pitcher nice and cold my man
Thanks bro
Ann, you` re next girl
Hey Ann
Hey Tom
Hey beautiful wanna play for a pitcher ?
Sure thing babe
The same thing happens
Hank it` s your turn my brother
Hey Tom what` s up ?
Not much let` s play for a pitcher dude
Sure thing
The scenario repeats itself
Over and over
Sounds like the movie `Groundhog Day`
Then around midnight maybe
After drinking all those pitchers
I` m starting to get drunk
I know I` m gonna lose
For sure
Gerry you` re up
Hey Tom play for a pitcher again ?
Sure thing bro but this is my last game
How come ?
What the fuck ?
I lost five pitchers against you
And you want to call it quits
What kind of piece of shit are you ?
He angrily asks
I` m not a piece of shit
You see my friends Pat and Chris
They keep telling me
Tom we came here for a beer
Not to watch you play pool
I mean
They` re my friends you know
You` re right Tom
I` m sorry I snapped at you like that
It` s all good my man
We` re Friday  night
I` m coming back tomorrow
Gerry, wanna play some more tomorrow ?
Damn straight
I` ll see you tomorrow night Tom
Yep
And I` m thinking
This is preproduction hustling indeed
I sit down and join my two amigos
Our table full of beer pitchers
Another easy evening gone by
I would perform the same stunt
Every weekend
For about ten years
Nobody ever noticed
My oh so subtle hustling techniques
Except Paul once (I will tell you about it eventually)
And that my friends
Was the tale 
Of the three-way hustle.